Dreading political talk over the holidays? Here’s an AZ therapist’s tips on navigating differences

(Shutterstock Photo/Zamrznuti tonovi)

By Jessica Swarner

Local therapist Carlie Rouse offers tips for setting boundaries, changing the subject, and controlling reactions to political conversations this holiday season.

“Concerned,” “heavy,” “uncomfortable,” “disappointed,” “miserable,” and “rejected.”

These are some of the words that Copper Courier newsletter subscribers used to describe their experience navigating relationships with loved ones who voted differently than them this year.

Our country’s political polarization has led to conflict among friends and family who supported different candidates—or who chose not to vote at all.

Some people who wrote in described feeling uneasy with how loved ones talk about politics, but they haven’t known what to say. Others have found some success in keeping certain topics off the table. Some have said the differences are too large to manage, and they’ve found it necessary to end relationships.

I spoke with Carlie Rouse, a licensed therapist in Arizona, for a professional’s take on navigating these sticky situations. Rouse runs Aligned Counseling & Consulting in Phoenix, but her practice also takes virtual clients across the state.

Rouse cautioned that guidance on dealing with this totally depends on an individual and their family, but she offered some basic tips to help this holiday season.

Setting a boundary

One thing to try could be setting a boundary with others when it comes to political talk. Rouse recommended “sandwiching” the difficult point between positive sentiments. An example script she gave was:

“Hey mom, I really want a good relationship with you, and I want to enjoy our holiday season together. … I found that anytime that blank topic comes up, I feel really activated, … I’ve noticed that there’s tension in the room every time this conversation comes up and I want to spend time with you. And so I was just hoping that over this holiday season, that’s something that we could just leave at the door and choose to enjoy the holiday season and talk about things that we love. …I really want to enjoy time with you, and sometimes if I leave and that stuff happens I sit there and question, ‘Do I even want to go back? Do I want to do that again next year?’ And I know that we both want to be together.”

Changing the subject

The trouble with boundaries is that people don’t always respect them. One way to remind people of an agreement to avoid political topics, Rouse said, is to try to change the subject to something “safe” like sports, or propose an alternate activity like taking a walk.

Rouse also suggested using humor to diffuse a situation: “This got real deep real fast. Does anyone want to talk about pie?”

Rouse said her family, who’s from the Seattle area, has a go-to cue for when a conversation needs a redirect.

“My family, our joke, anytime we need to change the subject, whether it’s political or something else, we always just say ‘How about the Mariners, how’s their record doing?’ And it’s just unspoken, like it is time to change the subject,” she said.

Controlling reactions

Rouse said it’s important to keep in mind what a person can control. While people can’t control what others say or do, they can choose how they react to the situation.

Rouse recommended that people ask themselves how they will react if a boundary is broken: “What can I tolerate? Can I tolerate feeling this tension or having a hard conversation? Can I sit in the uncomfortableness or is it something that I need to leave?”

She said some ways to deal with that tension could be leaving the room, going for a walk, calling a friend who can offer support in the moment, or going home.

But, she said, those actions have their consequences: “If you leave, then you’re not going to create those memories with those people. But if it’s toxic and really intense, then you don’t really want to, so it’s hard.”

Understanding differences

Rouse said that in situations where trying to speak about politics is tolerable, it may be worth asking someone why they voted for a certain candidate and trying to understand their perspective.

“Maybe it’s ‘Oh, I didn’t know that.’ Maybe I didn’t know that part of your story, and that actually makes a lot of sense why you would vote for that,” she said. “I can’t help but think that our stories and our personal experiences and our own traumas lead us to voting for reasons.”

Rouse recognizes, though, that sometimes gaps in people’s values and how they communicate are too difficult to bridge. At that point, she said, it becomes grief work.

“[There’s] this grief that this person that I care about or is in my life where I’m two completely different pages and in my ideal life or world, we would be united in that. And so I think that’s really hard because it’s, again, you don’t have control over it,” Rouse said.

Other resources

As Rouse said, everyone’s situation is unique, so there aren’t any one-size-fits-all answers. Here are some links to podcasts and articles on the same subject that may offer more help:

“Breaking Bread or Breaking Ties” – Endless Thread podcast episode

“How to Have Hard Conversations” – Short Wave podcast episode

“11 Things to Say to Your Relative Whose Politics You Hate” – TIME article

“Your friend loves a candidate you hate. Can your relationship survive?” – CBS News article

“How to talk politics without wrecking relationships” – Slate article

“The advice therapists give people considering severing ties with family over politics” – Huffington Post article

Author

Jessica Swarner

Jessica Swarner is the community editor for The Copper Courier. She is an ASU alumna and previously worked at KTAR News 92.3 FM in Phoenix.

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CATEGORIES: MENTAL HEALTH

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