OPINION: I had to cross state lines and recover from my abortion in a hotel room at Harrah’s casino

Opponents of Proposition 139 claim the existing 15-week ban is sufficient, and amending the Arizona constitution to add a fundamental right to abortion is too permissive and unsafe. This was not true in my experience.

I am going to share the most traumatic experience of my life even though it is also incredibly private. This story belongs to me and my husband, and it scares me to discuss my experience so publicly, but I am doing so because I feel with my entire being that what happened to me was not right. It forever changed me. I now have panic attacks when I never did before. 

A lot of people who oppose abortion think it’s just irresponsible people having unprotected sex, but my husband and I are considered to “have our lives together.” We’re in our mid-thirties, I have my doctorate, and Rob is in engineering school. We wanted our baby, yes, we wanted our baby so much, but it was medically necessary to terminate the pregnancy. The decision was hard enough, I work with children and somehow all my coworkers were pregnant at that time, and it crushed me. But Arizona’s 15-week abortion ban turned my heartbreak into a full blown nightmare. 

My pregnancy was going well. Then, at 18 weeks gestation, I had a blood test to check for neural tube defects. The result came back with a high likelihood of spina bifida, a spine and brain defect. At that point, we were referred to a high-risk OB/GYN, and I had an ultrasound done. 

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It showed severe neural tube defects involving the whole spinal cord and brain, with lots of swelling in the brain – compressing the brain. Our high-risk OB talked to us about what life would look like if we carried the pregnancy to term. There was definitely a chance our baby wouldn’t survive the birth, and if it did, it would be a life of surgeries, feeding tubes, incontinence, pain, and possibly needing assistance to breathe, depending on how involved the brain was. My husband and I did not want this baby to have a life of suffering, and we chose to terminate.

“You cannot get this done here,” our high-risk OB said. “The only way you could possibly get it done is if your life was in danger. Even then, a lot of OBs aren’t doing it; they’re afraid for their license.” 

We knew right away we had to travel across state lines; our options were Las Vegas or Los Angeles. We got a referral for a doctor who practices in Arizona but flies to Las Vegas every weekend to perform abortions there. A few days later, we had our flights booked and were off to Las Vegas. 

Rob and I are not well-off by any means, and I think it’s worth noting the financial struggles we also experienced. An abortion at 19 weeks cost $2,000 cash because my insurance did not cover it. Last minute flights cost us $800. I had run out of paid time off because my dad was in hospice so I took unpaid time off work to travel. The procedure would take two days to complete, and since we really couldn’t afford much, we opted to stay with a friend the first night, then at Harrah’s casino the second night, where our friend could get us a discount. Thankfully, Rob’s parents also helped with the costs.

The first day, we drove through protestors to get to the clinic. Through my tears I saw them shouting “how can you kill your baby,” when all we wanted was this baby. Our first. Rob had to stay in the waiting room; he was never allowed to go in with me. 

Alone, I watched as they did another ultrasound. I could see the fetus squirming. It just broke me. I had the first part of the procedure called laminaria, to dilate the cervix. I’ve had surgery, and yet this was the most painful thing I’ve ever had done. No epidural, nothing. Just a high dose of Tylenol before. 

That night, I was in horrific pain, just sitting in the shower letting water run on me, crying. They wrote me a prescription for hydrocodone which finally let me sleep. It was awful not being in my home, my bed, to recover. I was in a casino hotel room. My family couldn’t be there for me, my mom couldn’t be there for me. I never left the room. Looking back at it, I was in full-on labor. And I could feel everything. 

Early the next morning, we passed the protesters again to get to the clinic. I had the second and final part of the procedure, a dilation and evacuation. I cried throughout it, partially because of the pain, but also because I was so emotional. I was on an IV for pain and anxiety. Afterwards, a nurse took me to the bathroom and put diapers on me. I was shivering and feeling feverish – all normal, I was told. 

We returned our rental car and headed to the airport. I was bleeding in my adult diapers, emotionally drained, barely holding it together —  and then our flight got canceled. My checked bag with all my feminine products, the diapers, pads, everything I needed was on its way home without me. That’s when I had a mental breakdown in the airport. I was sobbing. I just wanted to be home. 

We had no choice but to Uber to a hotel and stay for two more nights. Our funds were depleted. The cheapest hotel was 45 minutes out from the airport, which required an expensive Uber ride. Then finally, we caught a flight home. When we got back, I had to take another unpaid week off work because I was struggling so much, physically, mentally, and emotionally. My dad passed away the next week. I couldn’t even go see him. I was having panic attacks and was extremely emotional and stressed. 

This was in 2022, and I still see a counselor for my trauma. As an Arizona resident, I should have been able to receive the care I needed there, but instead I was forced to cross state lines. This was not a time for me to be so vulnerable to any number of unpredictable events beyond my control. I desperately needed to heal in peace, safety, and familiarity, and those things were denied to me.

Opponents of Proposition 139, the Arizona Right To Abortion ballot initiative, claim the existing 15-week ban is sufficient, and amending the Arizona constitution to add a fundamental right to abortion is too permissive and unsafe. Really? This was not true in my experience, 15 weeks was not sufficient for me. And the hardships I endured forever imprinted on me a panic and anxiety that no amount of therapy can alleviate. Rob also carries mental and emotional pain to this day. Abortion rights don’t just affect the women in our lives, they also affect the men who love them. These laws mean men can only really stand on the sidelines and wait, watching those they love suffer. 

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Four months ago, we brought a beautiful baby girl into the world. We’re so happy to be parents finally, but our previous experience still casts a shadow over our lives. It was an extremely anxious pregnancy. We want to have another child, but I don’t know if I have it in me. 

Could I risk going through this again? What if the next pregnancy also has complications? What if we live in a country with a president who could implement a national abortion ban? Where would any of us go then? I have zero trust that the state of Arizona will do what is best for my health. I also fear for my daughter’s future here. I want her to grow up feeling safe in her home, her city, her state, but I know that without protections for our bodily autonomy—she won’t.

Editor’s note: The Copper Courier agreed to allow the use of pseudonyms for this story in order to protect Sara and Rob’s privacy.